I recently asked if a poem was good, i updated it... RATE OUT OF 10?

UPDATED POEM:





The silver stream...





Glowing, Slowly %26amp; silently,


A young girl


Walks the night in her silver shoes


All she see's is


Silver fruit upon silver trees;


One by one her silhouette catches


Her eyes shine beneath the silvery light


This way, and that, she peers, and sees,


Couched in his kennel, like a log


With paws of silver sleeps the dog;


From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep


Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep;


A harvest mouse goes scampering


With silver claws and a silver eye


While moveless fish in the water gleam


By silver reeds in a silver stream.

I recently asked if a poem was good, i updated it... RATE OUT OF 10?
I get the feeling of nuclear winter with this, like the world has been dusted with poisonous powder. It's clear that things are bad when the fish stop moving.





It does have some technical difficulties. Sam and EP are very wise and good at troubleshooting. You have talent. Listen to what they say, but not too much...TD
Reply:Sam has given a great analysis of your poem. Actually, things don't show up as silver at night, so it's difficult to understand why you concentrate so much on this word. You have a wonderful image: "silver-feathered sleep," but it doesn't work here because you've already said they're white breasted. Pay attention to details, but keep writing and don't let criticism discourage you.
Reply:It's boring.
Reply:it didnt make sense and i didnt like it all that much id say a 3.
Reply:Rating: 4





But ratings don't tell the whole story.





You have good potential here. What I like about this piece is that you use some interesting, concrete images. I had a similar take to TD it's as if the landscape has become radioactive. It isn't a pleasant scene, and I find that very cool.





I love:





A young girl walks the night in her silver shoes.





Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep





A harvest mouse goes scampering





There are some issues to work on:





Too many uses of silver--look for more subtle placement.





Line breaks seem haphazzard. Look to break the line so that it will create nuances between the line. Try breaking on stronger nouns and verbs.





A couple word choices / phrases that were either redundant or didn't work (i.e., she peers, she sees, or moveless, etc.).





Overall though, it has good poetential because it's interesting.





I hope you continue to rewrite and refine it. I would hope to rate it higher as it develops more.
Reply:This poem you have posted reads suspiciously like an already famous published poem by another author. I know this for a fact because I was required to memorize it in elementary school:





Silver





SLOWLY, silently, now the moon


Walks the night in her silver shoon;


This way, and that, she peers, and sees


Silver fruit upon silver trees;


One by one the casements catch


Her beams beneath the silvery thatch;


Couched in his kennel, like a log,


With paws of silver sleeps the dog;


From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep


Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep;


A harvest mouse goes scampering by,


With silver claws and a silver eye;


And moveless fish in the water gleam,


By silver reeds in a silver stream.





Walter De La Mare


.........................................





There is enough plagiarism in the world without your adding to it. Your mind was meant to be used as your own tool, not as a net or sickle for someone else's hard work and intellectual property.





To sum up, Yes, the poem is good. Your passing it off as your own is not.
Reply:Well, you used the word "silver" a lot, but the reason escapes me. Makes it seem contrived. 3.
Reply:I'll give it a 5 (for average)





You've got some misspelled words and it's a little cliche in spots.





Surely you can think of apt synonyms and metaphors for "silver" -- there are so many silver things in the world -- you can turn a noun into a verb. Silver fruit embeds burnished trees? Eyes mirror the glinted light? I don't know.





This is a great line: "Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep"








The main thing is you sat down and wrote and revised. That's the most important thing. "A" for effort.
Reply:I understand that it is a description about a night near a stream. But using a word too often makes it a bit odd. You must use as many synonyms as possible. Well, don't be disheartened by any remarks. Take them positively and keep writing. The more you think and analyze things you will be able to write about them better. Good Luck!
Reply:If you would like for me to rate your piece, I will be happy to do so. I however must inform you that in its current written form it will not rate high.





I will however, critique your piece so that you may obtain a better understanding in writing poetry.





The silver stream...





L1: Glowing, Slowly %26amp; silently,


L2: A young girl


L3: Walks the night in her silver shoes


L4: All she see's is


L5: Silver fruit upon silver trees;


L6: One by one her silhouette catches


L7: Her eyes shine beneath the silvery light


L8: This way, and that, she peers, and sees,


L9: Couched in his kennel, like a log


L10: With paws of silver sleeps the dog;


L11: From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep


L12: Of doves in a silver-feathered sleep;


L13: A harvest mouse goes scampering


L14: With silver claws and a silver eye


L15: While moveless fish in the water gleam


L16: By silver reeds in a silver stream.








L1: “Glowing, Slowly %26amp; silently,”


Why are you using “%26amp;” instead of “and”? When you write, it helps the flow of the piece when you use words, not symbols.





L4: “All she see's is”, why did you use “see’s”? This is an improper spelling. What do you think about saying “All that she sees is…





L7: “One by one her silhouette catches”


What does her silhouette catch? Your piece does not say? Lingering line, needs more clarification and direction.





L8: Seems to repeat L4.





L11: “From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep”. Why did you use “cote”? Is this a misspelling?


Cote does mean: a shed or coop for small domestic animal, especially pigeons.





Are you attempting to use this line for the following (L12:) line or is this a continuation of the line (L10:) before? Needs clarification in your direction.





In L15: “While moveless fish in the water gleam” the use of “moveless” is improper spelling, move less is the proper way, or you could even use motionless, when referring to dead fish floating in the water.





All in all this is a semi-okay piece for a beginner. I suggest you look at your sentence structure, your flow of meaning and thought, carry us with you, do not leave us.





There are some wonderful books that are available to assist you if you wish to continue on this path.





Keep writing and working if that is your wish,


Sam





EDIT: I love and appreciate your knowledgeable opinions as well TD.


Peace %26amp; Love,


Sam



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