Is it good? plz read?

I’m 13 yrs old and this is the first chpter of my book.


It was a beautiful morning. The sun was peeking from the horizon, painting the sky with wonderful warm hues. The spring air was fresh, and the green grass was damp from the glistening morning dew. The earth slowly awakened from its peaceful night, stretching it's arms known as trees and yawning, creating a light breeze. Jake Clemons was always up in time to watch the breathtaking sunrise. He'd be up before the rooster crowed, or anyone else in fact.


He got dressed quickly to watch the sunrise. He had to be quiet as he put on his red shirt ad blue jeans. He tiptoed down the hallway, and he passed Jamie’s room. Jamie was his 7 year old sister. She was snoring away like a cute little angel.


After he passed everyone’s rooms, he hurried down the stairs and out the door. He dashed towards the huge barn. He felt the dampness of the grass seep into his shoes as he was running. He then ran through the dry hay and to the silver ladder leading up to the loft. He couldn’t afford to miss even a minute of the sunrise. Jake climbed up the ladder and then he crawled towards the loft window and opened it. He sprawled out on the hay and gazed at the sunrise.


Watching the sunrise was a good time for Jake to think, and get his thoughts together. It was his only moment of peace during the day. He couldn’t possibly think in the day with all the commotion from his little sister, and all the work that had to be done, there was just no time.


“****-o-doodle-doo!” the rooster cried. It was time to get back to the house and cook breakfast. Jake usually made breakfast because everyone was just waking up at the sound of the rooster.


This morning he cooked scrambled eggs, toast, and he heated up some leftover sausage from the morning before. Everyone got seated at the table, yawing and barley awake. Jake was the only one wide-eyed an alert. The breakfast was a very was delightful meal and got the day started off.





Jake’s parents usually watched the news right after breakfast, and then they get ready for work. Apparently they left it on, because Jaime was watching it when they got done watching it. He flipped the switch to turn the TV off.


“Hey!” Jaime whined.


“Jaime, you shouldn’t be watchin’ this stuff. It gives you nightmares.” Jake had already gone through experience. A few weeks ago they were watching the news and it was talking about another guy who escaped from the county jail near Chester. Jaime couldn’t go to sleep that night because she thought he would come and get her while she was sleeping.


“Fine,” she scoffed as she stomped out of the room angrily. As soon as she left the room, he turned it back on.


“There is currently a prison escapee on the loose. He stole the security guard’s keys and escaped. He goes by the name of Greg Richards.”


It showed a picture of the escapee. He had a brown buzz cut, a goatee, and his ear pierced. He had a tan, and he appeared to be in about his late 20’s. The news anchor continued with the story, “He was last seen driving a black Dodge Ram. If you have any information about this man, please call the police.”


“Jake, turn that off. You’ll probably have nightmares just like Jaime.” His mother was always comparing him to Jaime like that.


“Yes ma’am.” Jake pushed the ‘OFF’ button.


His parents left for work about eight and they usually got home about 5:00. His mom was the manager at grocery store and his dad worked at the local bank.


There was nothing to do at the house, so Jaime asked Jake if he could play a game with her. He didn’t mind, but she wanted to play some of the stupidest games.


“Okay Jaime, what do ya wanna play?” Jake asked reluctantly.


“Let’s play hide and go seek!” Jaime shouted. Jake never argued against having to play hide and go seek. It was one of his favorite games. He usually let Jaime hide otherwise she would whine and cry.


They ended up playing hide and seek for hours. His parents finally arrived home, so now he could go do something instead of playing with Jaime all day.


Jake figured he’d ride is bike. It was in terrible condition with worn out tires, red and rusted paint job, and the seat torn up. But he didn’t care. It was his only option to get away from the world. It made him feel free. He rode it everywhere around town. Of course the town was small enough to see everything in less than an hour on a bicycle.


The town was called Chester. It’s a population of about 1200 people. Chester has a bunch of old buildings from a long time ago. But most of those are abandoned. People just had a hard time keeping business in Chester. A whole bunch of people moved, which caused a lot of businesses to move, also.


His brown hair was waving in the wind. As he was riding his bike, he heard some bells from a distance. Not like the bells you hear at Christmas time, but big bells. They made such a noise that the whole town could hear them. Maybe even the whole county.


He decided to check and see where the bells were coming from. He followed the sound of the bells. It took about 2 minutes to get to where they were. They were coming from some large brick building with a white steeple. At the top of the steeple, there was a small cross. What kind of building has bells, and a steeple with a cross? He wondered. He decided to take a look inside.


He walked down the aisle of red carpet. There were people sitting in long stretched pews. Everyone was dressed nice and elegant. He felt like an outcast with the raggedy clothes he had on.


“Excuse me, young man. Why are you wearing such clothes?” an older woman asked him. He tried to speak but words wouldn’t budge. He was embarrassed.


“Young man?” she said.


As he ran to the back of the room, a man spoke. Jake turned around and saw a tall man in the front of the room. He looked to be in his 30’s, and he was wearing a white robe with a green stripe down the middle.


“Thank you everyone for being here tonight,” he said speaking through a microphone.


“I am the new preacher. My name is Dan Miller. I have recently moved here from Alabama, with my daughter, Carley, and my wife, Joyce,” he stated gesturing to his family in the front row.


Carley had shoulder length brown hair with the most amazing blue


eyes Jake had ever seen. She looked nothing like her mom, Joyce, who had green eyes and blonde hair.


Jake figured he would stay and listen what Dan had to say. He didn’t have to be home until 8 and it was only 6:45. He went and got seated in the last pew. He paid attention to this preacher as he spoke. Jake pulled out a notebook and pen from his back pocket and began taking notes.


“God has a great amount of power. He is so big. He can do anything!” Dan exclaimed raising his hands in the air.


“Anything?” Jake whispered to himself.


Dan preached for the next hour about this God person. He said God was the man who created this very earth, and created us to live in it. Jake couldn’t wait to tell his parents about God.


Jake glanced at his watch, and it read at exactly 7:56. Jake was supposed to be home at 8:00 sharp. He jumped on his bike and sped away. His house was about 1 mile out of Chester, so it took him about 10 minutes to get home, but at the speed he was going, Jake could’ve swore he got there in less than 5 minutes. He jumped off the bike and darted to the house. He got to the door, swung it open and ran inside. He tried to be sneaky, He didn’t want his parents to know he had come in late. He completely forgot about the door making a ruckus every time it closed. He raced to door to try to stop it from making the noise.


“Jake is that you?” his father had asked from the living room. Jake was so exhausted from the ride home, he could barely speak.


“Yes, dad,” he said panting.


“Where in the hell have you been, Jake? You were supposed to be home 5 minutes ago.” His father was really strict about being home on time. He wanted to say he was just outside for a bit, but he couldn’t stand lying to his father.


“I was at a church,” Jake said looking down at his shoes.


“A church? Why were you at this church?” his father asked him with and eyebrow raised.


“Well, I was listening to this guy talk about God,” Jake explained innocently.


“My gosh Jake! There is no God. People just say that so they can have something to believe in. Now go upstairs and finish your homework.”


Jake ran to his room and went to his bed. He laid there, thinking. His dad was usually right about stuff. Maybe there was no God. Maybe Dan was full of himself and didn’t know what he was talking about. He listened to a complete stranger and believed it. His dad was right, there was no God.


“Jake! Dinner is ready!” his mom called from downstairs.


He headed downstairs at the pace of a gazelle. He was so caught up in all this God stuff he almost forgot about his stomach. He sat down and as soon as he was about to attack the food, his mom smacked his hand.


“Not until everyone is seated,” she said as she was putting the food on the table. He looked around and everyone was seated, except his sister, Jaime, who was still upstairs in her room.


“Jake, go upstairs and get your sister,” his mom ordered from across the table.


Jake rushed upstairs and headed towards Jamie’s room. Her room was all pink. She had a pink bedspread, pink lamp, and a pink chair. Her room was also a mess with toys everywhere. There was so much clutter, that you couldn’t even see the floor.


Jake hopped everywhere around the room trying not to step on anything. He finally reached Jaime, who was playing with her dolls.


“Hey, sis. It’s time for supper,” he said tapping her on the shoulder.


“Okay,” she replied.


They both headed downstairs and got seated at the dinner table. Jake and Jaime sat across from each other, and his mom and dad sat at the ends of the table like the queen and king in old medieval times.


Today’s dinner was his mom’s specialty, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and gravy, and grilled pork chops. His mom sure did make a mean batch of mashed potatoes.


Jake could finally start eating since everyone was seated.


“So are you two ready for the first day of school tomorrow?” his mother asked.


“Yes ma’am!” Jaime called out.


Jake just sat there, not knowing what to say.


“Jake? What about you? Are you ready for school tomorrow?” his mother asked eyeing him from across the table.


“Uh. Yes ma’am,” he lied when the truth was he wasn’t ready for the first day of school.


Last year, his best friend, Chase, moved away because his mom and dad got better jobs. It was a difficult time because he tried to make new friends but everyone ignored him. He hoped he would have better luck this year.


A fantastic dinner was made complete by a dessert of homemade ice cream. Jake was so stuffed after dinner, he could barely walk. His mom’s homemade ice cream was his weakness.


He cleaned up the dinner table and washed the dishes. Afterwards he went upstairs to his room.


His room wasn’t all decorated like Jaime’s room. It was more conservative. He just had off-white walls with the occasional artwork that Jaime had drawn for him on them. Jaime was quite the artist.


He grabbed his notebook and an ink pen from his desk, and then he got on his bed and began writing. Writing was Jake’s passion. He could write about absolutely anything. He always carried his notebook and his pen in case anything that came to mind, he could write down. He glanced at his watch. It read 9:27. Jake figured he’d get to bed at a decent hour. He put his notebook and pen under the mattress, turned off the lights and went to bed. Email me at ace_edsall@yahoo.com to get more of the story.

Is it good? plz read?
Hey that's really good for a 13 year old!





Your writing style is really good. You're very descriptive %26amp; detailed, and you have an amazing vocabulary.





I think you're doing great! I like the story so far! Keep up the good work!





And could you email me the rest? htwnzprincess12@yahoo.com :)





EDIT: Oh, and here. Have a star! :)
Reply:I already answered this question. Don't overdo it.
Reply:Yes it is quite good, And especially for a girl only 13 years of age.


Get the book "Writing Down the Bones"!!!


Keep writing no matter what, no matter who tries to dissuade you!


And for personal practice and collecting of experience . . Journal, Journal, Journal!


Keep up the good work!
Reply:its very very good.





but you might want to work on making it hook in the reader byhaving maybe the escapee be standing in his room or somthing.





but kudos, very well written, you have talent!
Reply:you can write and you're very good with the descriptive. keep practicing, you show great promise.





i think the first paragraph was alot about nothing. great for descriptive writing class, but not to capture someones attention for long.





too many things going on and you didn't really get into anything in particular. i was waiting for "the punchline".





u need to GRAB the readers attention in the first paragraph and not lull them into long descriptions that really have no bearing on the story.





it needs more meat. get to the point.





i would change the brother and sisters name so they weren't so similar. i had to really focus on who was who. they all had the same sounding names of spellings....





jamie


jake


chester


joyce





dan stood out because it didn't start with a "j" and didn't have the "j" sound.





u asked, just giving u a readers point of view. i'm not a writer.





i admire ur bravery and spunk at such a young age and willing to take (i hope) constructive criticism.





best wishes.
Reply:when i read jack clemons i thought it said Jesus Christ. i don't think anyone else would though
Reply:itsz cool
Reply:I like it! When I was your age and younger I started writing atleast a dozen different stories but never finished them. I didnt think they were "good enough". Dont be the same as me. Keep writing! I'd love to read some more so just email it to me (a link to my email is in my profile).
Reply:B.O.RRRRRRR.I.N.G


try with the shorter one!
Reply:Awesome, sounds interesting to me ;-)
Reply:WOW gr8. longest question i ever read.. but wonderful.
Reply:Just give taste.........then we could read it.
Reply:I can say that it is a wonderful begining to your book. When or if you finish you could send me the next chapter or chapters . Thanks. dan_198660120@aol.com
Reply:wow dude that's really long.. sorry :)
Reply:I'm sorry but thats just a really long question, and If i wasn't ready to go to bed I would probably read the whole story...next time you ask this question you should just like put in a little sample of this.
Reply:For someone your age it is very good! Keep up the great writing, I think it sounds awesome. Also, you sound like you might be good at poetry, too.
Reply:ZZZZZZzzzzzzz
Reply:sorry hun, that's a RLY long question....
Reply:I have better things to do
Reply:I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO READ THAT
Reply:i have no time to read.








i have more important things to do than reading your story.
Reply:Go to bed!



Nanny