I wrote this and really would like to publish the story. do you think it would sell?

Chapter 1














Pretzels and cheese. It must have been the best tasting thing at 14. I don’t remember the first time that I had it and I’m really upset about that. I remember mom always taking us to the mall and we would buy them at Sam’s pretzels after getting our Christmas pictures taken. Sitting there was interesting and boring. Even though I felt beautiful I was very careless about the fact that I had to sit there and smile. I never hated it nor did I ever love it. I simply didn’t care. It might have been because I knew that in just a few minutes I would eating pretzels and cheese, even though it was never a few minutes. The warm and soft kind that you can never stop chewing because you keep on putting more in your mouth. We never do that anymore and I wish we did for the ones at school aren’t half as good as the ones at Sam’s. That never mattered though for pretzels and cheese are pretzels and cheese and that’s what matters.


Pretzels and cheese reminded me of Blake on Peachtree lane, because both where satisfying. I adored him for he was beautiful and charming. He lived just up the street from me. I was 1008 Peachtree and he was 1023. My name is Natalie by the way, Natalie Ricotta. I always thought that Blake and Natalie sounded good together, if you know what I mean. My middle name is Nicole and I thanked God that my first name wasn’t Nicole for then our names wouldn’t flow. Blake was 14 and so was I so that’s goes smoothly too. The both of us where two of the few kids who where Alley in 2007. If you where Alley you where part of the gang, the Gasper gang, Gasper Alley. There was Jimmy who was 15. He is black, African-American I mean. He must have the strongest kid muscles ever. Faith is 13 and quite pretty. Her red hair is so long she was thinking about selling it. Tom is youngest at 12. He’s a cute kid if you ask me. He has such great sense of humor; sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously. Vincent also at the age of 13 is the tallest out of us all. When he walks by all the bad smells seem to disintegrate into the air like your loved one driving, reaching the end of the road when you want them to stay with you; from the amount of cologne he sprays. Then there’s Blake with brown hair, the color of his eyes and his tanned skin. With me being last, I’m average height, with brown reddish hair and green eyes, I’m actually beautiful although I always wear a hat so you don’t see my face that easily. At 7pm the gang would tie their shoes and slip on their hats as if we were going to a baseball game. We would tell our parents we were going to hang with friends and leave the house, for that wasn’t a lie. When we told them we were going for ice cream or we were going to the park that was where we hoped God would forgive us.


Each alley would curve onto Jeffery Place and turn over to Albertson Ave. When you reached the bowling alley you where sure to find a hidden street. The street was Gasper that shivered down like a ramp. That was how we came to a name. We called ourselves Alley because of the bowling alley and from Gasper Street. I remember, the road was filled with graffiti and was paved with gray concrete that had patches of black cement to fill in holes. As trees surrounded the path you where sure at any moment you would be swallowed up. Once, you passed the wire with shoes dangling from top you would come to a willow tree and our names would be carved on the bark that looked 100 years old. Some say it was the entrance to the Alley and I believe it too. If you ever found a forest of trees that where willow or oak then you knew you where in Gasper Alley

I wrote this and really would like to publish the story. do you think it would sell?
While the imagery of the pretzels and cheese is very strong, I%26#039;m not sure what the point is for all the focus on it. I understand that it%26#039;s a sensory memory from when the narrator was 14, but then you alternate back and forth between past and present tense, that I%26#039;m not sure if the story is told from the present looking back or what?





The details about the kids and neighborhood are basically %26quot;telling%26quot; rather than %26quot;showing.%26quot; Don%26#039;t know the difference? Do some research and everyone in the business will tell you that %26quot;telling%26quot; is not encouraged.





Why do we need to know so much about the street and neighborhood? Are the details integral to the story? You have to ask yourself that question about every scene you write: Does it further my plot? Is it pertinent to the story?





You need to start with a big hook to draw in the reader. A hook that just makes them want to read further. Pretzels and cheese simply is not it.





Keep writing, honing your skills, though.
Reply:I realized midway through the 2nd sentence that you couldn%26#039;t write.
Reply:I really tried hard to finish it, but after about six lines I got annoyed at the bad grammar. =/





But congratulations on having the idea and the courage! I%26#039;m working on a story myself. Have someone proofread it for you! =) Good luck!
Reply:that is way to long!
Reply:It doesn%26#039;t draw me into the story.. I completely lost interest after the first five or six sentences or so... Keep working, you%26#039;ve got a good idea, but it needs a lot of revision.
Reply:Your story needs dialog between the characters. That would help to make it come alive, but I%26#039;m sorry to say what you have written so far will not hold your reader%26#039;s attention. I think you have potential so please don%26#039;t give up as you continue to improve upon your skills. Good luck!
Reply:All in all, it%26#039;s a good story. It%26#039;s kind of hard to follow though. You could paragraph it. The spelling and grammar...you could work on. If I were rating it from a 1-10 I would rate it somewhere from a 4 to a 6. It just didn%26#039;t draw me in. It%26#039;s not my kind of story. But if you worked with it maybe a lot....then you might have a chance. Keep it up!..
Reply:Sorry kid, but I lost intrest in this story after reading the first two sentences. You need to get a good proofreader, fast if you want to get published.
Reply:Whatever your smoking, don%26#039;t smoke it anymore, kid, it%26#039;s just not working for you.



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